Problem With Younger Cosister

it is a little weird that your inlaws are not accepting help readily available and offered (from sil) and your H wants you to go all the way from the US. Perhaps they are doing well enough to not accept help from sil. In that case it is stupid to go from here. It looks like it is your H's ego and nothing else. How is your relationship with your inlaws? (I am sorry, if you spoke about it elsewhere, i didn't read all posts). If you are on good terms, why not ask them tactfully, if you are needed there? Do not involve H in this. May be you can get them to go to your sil's home and then when you go for your brother's wedding spend some extra days there... may be working from home or unpaid leave. It is useless and expensive to fly twice.

 

You have set a wrong example at your home. It takes time to reverse it.

First of all, you need to accept and believe that you are a woman. A human being with your own good and bad days. You can be active on some days, and you may require rest on some other days. You must have your limits, and can't always stretch it for others.

Staying active may be your choice, but others should not take you for granted.
You are a wife, and mom in your family. Not a domestic helper to do the chores as per other's demands.

If you do the chores as per your choice, it is a different thing altogether. But if is to please someone or obey someone's demand, it is a bad condition to live.

As a person, you must be able to opine your concerns, your limits and set clear expectations to others.

If you can't cook 3 times on your bad days, you should be able to say NO without feeling guilt about it. Your NO should be respected and accepted by your family. This is how a family has to work.

You can always help your co-sis or MIL by choice. You can stretch a bit more to make your H happy. But that should be it.
You should not entertain your H's or others' demand any further, that too if they are not considerate about you.

Tell your H that you are not ready this time to leave your kid, and stretch a lot to do the chores at in laws' place in India. Tell him all your concerns like the up coming exams, discomforts of taking leave, your expectation of going to India for your only bro's wedding etc...

Suggest your H to go if he really wanted to be of any help to his mom. Promise him to take care of the home and kids here in the US at his absence. And tell him clearly that this is the max help that you could do for him and his family right now.

Don't feel guilt or bad about it. Say it casually, with a firm tone.

Don't wait for your H's reactions or acceptance. Just move on!

 

Tell your husband his mother needs a son and not a 'cooking cleaning maid '.

Tell your mil ,her son should be with her at this time .You wish you could could be there instead,but her son will not be able to take care of her grand son....so your husband should be with his mother at this time.

Tell your fil and sil to arrange for a full time maid.

Book tickets for husband and tell him to be a good son and be with his mom at this time while you would hold the fort at your end.

Let him exhaust his leave now ,then you go to your brothers wedding yourself with your kid...without this guy who thinks you are only good for cooking and cleaning.
..................................................................................
As for your husband telling/threatening you to not come back from your parents home if you follow your plan.....you should just stare at him for a long time and then say"good idea".It is not like your husband is a gem ,he should be the one scared to lose a wife like you.

Why do working women like you let your husbands treat you like a disposable thing?These threats should be sorted out the very first time it is used......so that he knows never to use them lightly .

 

Hi OP,
I was about to suggest what YM suggested.

You can let your husband go to India now, he can arrange helpers/maids with the help of his sister.

You can attend your brother's marriage without your H, during that visit you can visit/help your in laws if needed.

Vacation at parent's house would be more peaceful without hubby you know.

If you feel your parents would feel about your H's absence , tell them the truth. and your H's blackmail , is just a gimmick to put you under control. Nothing gonna happen.

 

OP, your MIL is sick because of early heart stroke symptoms, she must be required rest for sometime...
I think these things are needs of hour as of now....

1. she must be on restricted diet , so she must be needing special food prepared for her.

2. She was not having a full time maid earlier so i guess she must be the one doing cooking and cleaning till now, now she is on rest so somebody else is needed to take her responsibility....

3. A sick person become vulnerable emotionally....so children/relative's company provide a great mental support....

Though a full time maid can be hired for first 2 task, but we all know full time maids may not work efficiently and everything cant be left on her especially taking care of sick person...

now though i partially agree with your husband that cooking and cleaning is the need of hour......but million dollar question is, why he and his father cant take up these responsibility.....why they should not be doing all these things for the wife and mother???

I cant help feeling sympathy for MIL, who has a husband, sons and a daughter, but in the hour of need she has to depend on her DIL....

I agree with @Rihana , you should calmly and firmly say to your husband that its best if he goes to india for taking care of his mother , besides the kind of morale support and happiness your mil will get when she will be with her son, you wont be able to provide that...

 

Yes being with son moms will feel good only.. But that doesnt stop there.
When son visit them that too after many years , from USA.. more than their health, they will be worried for son. Saying son has to eat food prepared by maid, could not look after the son,. They would not feel anything for DILs. This is hard truth.

 

It requires few bold steps from you to stop this harassment . No need to cry .

Yes it feels bad that even after doing so much, you have to hear these words. That is why everyone in the forum advising don't be a door mat. No one is going to give peace award for being caring/loving/obeying to extended family.

Initially you would feel guilty of talking bold , but later on you would be quite used. At least you would at peace talking your mind.

We need to learn diplomatic ways to handle the extended family including our H . You should have learnt this skill much earlier within 3-4 years, other wise one would be weeping like you even after decade.
Learn some countering tricks of course they should be diplomatic.
and your H using D word, just a black mail, I dont think any male would dare to lose a wife with decade of marriage and with 2 kids. That too wife like you who would do hell lot of work.

 

OP, You have set a bad example by being at everybody's beck and call. You have to put your feet up sometimes. Unless you are wonder woman you cant do everything. Its rather mean of your husband to say you need to go to India to cook and clean. If he had worded it properly he cud have gotten his way. He cud have said take care of his mom. .

Your MIL wud have gone with your SIL if she wanted to .She didn't.How long can you take leave? 1 month ,2 months. After that your MIL wud need somebody else. Point is can he manage kids here without you? What about your job?Men fail to understand woman's job is not flexible as they make out to be. For them everything is allowed in a woman's job. Leave anytime, telecommute anytime.

This maybe a good time to put your foot down and say you cant do it but will help get some help for MIL. Good Luck.

 

if i would have been at your place,after hearing those words, i would have made sure that i stick to the first plan only.... i wouldnt have cared if my husband is coming or not, and i would have come back also without my husband's permission...
For going and coming back, you dont need your husband's permission....though decisions should be mutual, but if one party in threatening mode, than other should be in stubborn mode....