Problem With Younger Cosister

Op,guests are those who come for one or max 2 meals, come when invited and once in a while. People who come every darn weekend and stay for 2 full days are NOT guests and need to pitch in. First, put this in your H's head

Make yourself busy (or pretend busy) by visiting your friends, relatives etc, Join some hobby classes cooking, painting etc and spend time there. If they insist on coming anyway - get your H to do the entertaining. Order out, let him cook (and clean, btw) but you get out of there

 

Hi OP,
This is the problem of being badi bahu. We have to start putting our foot down from the initial stage itself, otherwise we will be taken for granted.

I am just wondering how come 23 something is still consider young , they have earned their degree unlike older generation girls got married earlier than to 18.

My co-sis was good for nothing in all aspects except studies, she could not wash her plate, could not clean dining table once her dinner was done, Did not know cleaning the house, not interested in folding the clothes, Felt yuck in cleaning bathroom.. list goes on.
Even after all these she had back pains, shoulder pains , leg pains what not. She was 28 then.

The movement she foresaw some work, she had book in hand( We used this trick to escape work in our mom's house).

Luckily I didn't have to do any work for her, apart from handing over tea cups at few occasions. But MIL was working overtime to help her. Even eating left over food in her plate.

After she is flown to abroad, she is doing above all work on her own.Her bathroom is not yuck to her anymore Agian I presume , not sure it is BIL or herself, ofcourse it is upto them .
Couple of time I hinted my MIL about her behavior, my MIL bluntly ignored saying she is young ( I was like whaaaaaaaaaaat 28 still young just couple of years young to me ).

That time I stopped doing any favor for her, even handing over the tea cups.

We have to do all these to our sanity and self respect. We should help them when they are real need like any illness, or she is really naive . Other party should also reciprocate/acknowledge the favor .

If your MIL mistreat let her learn her own lesson like how you did. Remember experience is the best teacher.

 

If co-sis is old enough to have a baby then it's high time for her to stop acting like one. Fortunately your husband is clued in to the situation. Start by cutting down the frequency of their visits.
You should inform them that you have your own plans, real or imaginary and that you will not be available every weekend. Or propose getting together at their house, In the meantime don't change your routine or make extra food when they come over. If she still lolls around without helping start using disposable plates and cups for meals. The other ladies have given excellent suggestions.
You have to do something, otherwise you will become a free babysitter as well when her child arrives.

 

Dear OP,

If I am in your place, I too expect some help from the guests, if their visits are more frequent. In your case, we cannot say they are completely guests, they are like family members. If they need a holiday, then they should go to a holiday spot and stay in the hotel and can relax and order food whatever they want.

Guests also has to follow some rules. If providing good hospitality is host's responsibility, then helping the host is guest's responsibility.

You don't have to pamper them like this. Ask her to help in the kitchen. Pregnant women can work in kitchen once they get over the morning sickness. Also tell her it is good for her health do to some work during pregnancy.

Immediately stop packing food and batter for them. If they can't offer help, then they cannot get food take aways.

You go on a holiday next time when they announce their visit to your place. Or when they visit your place, you go to your relatives place or friends place over the weekend leaving them with your Husband and kids. May be your BIL or DH will do the household work and cooking and will feed the 23 year old kid along with your 9 and 3 year olds

Do this 2 or 3 times and they will get the message.

 

By the way anybody is coming at her delivery time? If not just help when they really in need like hospital times and first few days etc., give them phone numbers of cleaning lady, take-out meals etc or any other help like nanny you know already.
Because whatever help you do looks like they are not appreciate, (not sure though what they think inside their mind) , as it is already strained relationship with BIL and his wife looks like doesn't say any words appreciating your help.

 

Yes this is a good idea. Tell her to cut the vegetables while watching t.v
Pregnant ladies don't need rest all the time

 

I think everyone have given enough ideas for you.
So start following them. I think the mistake was on your side to give her so much space. She is for sure not treating you as her sister. If not she would atleast engage your kids in studying or feeding them or play with them. One more thing is, she might have thought that you don't want her to enter your kitchen and that's why you are doing all the kitchen work by yourself.
If you don't start taking actions, then you would have to take care of her and her baby as well. If you keep doing this, she will come over to your place for months together after delivery
Just talk to her in a friendly manner and say her that if she does not do work during her pregnancy, it's difficult for normal delivery. When she is not even worried about helping you , why should you do? Don't hesitate to call her to help you, at least to feed that kid. Just jokingly say to her that you are giving her training for her for the future .

 

You have got a lot of advice but just to give you perspective , I m like your co sister, when I go to someone's house I don't offer to help out . Similisrly when someone comes home I don't expect them to help either. I feel it's a silly unnecessary formality .some people like my fil have become very offended by this and trust me I had no idea they would react so badly. I am laid back and maybe housework lazy but never intend to hurt anyone by that. And when I was told off harshly I was extremely hurt. So gently and jokingly maybe explain this. Please don't take it personally .