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When Patience Is Tested And Respect Is Bound To Be Lost - Aplogies For The Major Rant

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sbonigala, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Silent Treatment - 2nd sitting.
    Cause of the treatment and its after effects !!
    What a load of s#!t I deal with ! God bless me with whatever I need now. I don't even know what I need.


    Yesterday we visited an Indian family(DH's ex-colleague, say A and his wife B and their little DD) here in Melbourne.
    A's parents are here with them on a visit visa. They just arrived to Melbourne and its their first trip abroad.
    A and B live in a small unit and have furniture that's just enough for them.
    When we went to their home, B and I sat in the room where kids were playing(because there was not much place in the living room). A, A's parents, DH and MIL were in the living room , kids were playing in a bedroom.
    B suggested we sit near the kids so we can have an eye on the kids who would otherwise escape and play with water in the en-suite.
    B was venting how hard it is to please her MIL. she is expected to wear saree, cant wear lipstick, cant wear jeans even in winter, cant cook, cant this cant that.
    After while my MIL came in and sat with us and this was followed by B's MIL coming in.
    Very general topics were being discussed. Suddenly my MIL said, See how B is wearing a saree. You never wear sarees, B has long beautiful hair, you have short hair. etc etc
    And she went along saying how I adapted to aussie life style and how I was "Indian" in India and that my MIL cannot happily approve of my present life style.
    I could not believe that "I" was being discussed by 2 women right in front of my kids/eyes/ears.
    I chose to stay quiet because it was not my place and who wants to argue with their MIL at a friend's place !!.
    Anyhow, as expected, my patience was running too low due to exhaustion of kid's falling sick and sleepless nights.
    These women never stopped. How I dont wear thaali, how i took of my toe rings (mettelu), how I dont wear my wedding ring. How my kids have an accent when they talk telugu and how their kid speaks(4 yrs) fluent telugu and songs telugu film songs and how my kids do not know any telugu film and how we dont let them watch. I lost it. I just spoke out,
    "Auntie am not sure if my MIL told you but just last week we did some shopping and bought some stuff for India. Also MIL bought a couple of cotton trousers because she thought she would not "fit in" the Aussie crowd if she wears sarees here. She also said the it keeps her warm. May be you should try them too. Mom why dont you tell auntie about that and How well you adapted to the culture here?!! Auntie your grand kid speaks too good telugu but yeah because my kids are in school and are busy with their own **** to deal with , they dont get much chance to talk telugu other than with me. Enjoy you grand daughter's accent while you still can. Mom remember how well DD used to speak before we moved here, she spoke telugu and kannada too. Now she only speaks telugu. That does not make us any less proud of her, right mom? And yeah today you forgot to wear your nallapoosalu (black bead chain) when you took your thaali from suitcase. Mom !! Sorry my mistake I should have reminded you to wear that as well when I reminded to wear your thaali. Or is it that you wantedly avoided it? Whatever mom, you look good with or without those chains - your usual self I mean. And kids and telugu movies - yea auntie, they dont watch much because DH would not let them watch the movies. When we have enough drama in the house why again watching movies, kada athayya(what say MIL). muaah my chweeetie chweetie MIL !! "

    I planted a kiss on her cheek and walked out.

    I know I was sly and rude but I did not like the fact that I was being discussed for no wrong of mine.

    My MIL has been again silent with me since then and has not spoken a single word since then. This morning after DH went to work, she started crying and the cry was loud as well. I asked her whats wrong and she said no one cares for her and no one does a thing for her. No one loves her here, had she had a daughter how well she would have take care of MIL! etc etc. I said, "God does not give everything to everyone. God gives us choices and wisdom to chose. Rest all depends on us. God took away my parents. But gave me in-laws. I chose to see my parents in you both. God did not give you daughters but he gave you 3 DILs. Now its up to you if you choose to see daughters in them or not. God does not spoon feed. God serves a banquet. You got to take the plate serve for yourself whatever you want to eat. If you wait at a table assuming food will come there, it wont, you will remain hungry. Unless you take a few steps to reach the food and serve in your plate, you wont be fed. I am getting late. I mus go now, please have breakfast and lunch. If you are tired you don't need to cook. Will order food from outside.Just let me know if you are happy to do that. I am just a call away. Alternatively you can call DH too.
    Have a great time with kids. They love you unconditionally and they have no idea why you are crying. Please make sure they are not freaked out.
     
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  2. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello @kcb
    Thank you.
    I am not great. My parents were, for the way they planned finances and gave me a future to study and settle down just the way they dreamed.
    I just learnt to shut my past off in a room in brain. Sometimes I open it to dust and clean so the memories are sparkling and shiny.

    The particularly hard time was when I was one of the first 4 students who was placed via campus recruitment. That day our placement cell in the college sent a notice to our classroom asking me, DH and 2 other very close friends to see them in their office immediately. When I went down to the office our faculty stood up and she hugged me and said, "You did it and we are all so proud of you. You made your parents dream come true, they are seeing you from above. Guys you can take the day off - you need to celebrate this. Have a great time. God bless you all. Your hard work paid off"

    I could not believe it. I knelt there on the floor and cried. I was so happy that I made it from the test to the interview rounds to the offer letter. I was elated because this was the goal DH and I set for ourselves. It felt amazing because we both were placed in the same firm and got offers on the same day. I was extremely broken from inside because I longed to show this offer to daddy and tell him Dad see this ? I am working now and yes in corporate world - formals and suits"
    I so wanted mom to make my fav sweet and tell the neighbours that I am placed. - just the usual Indian mom's way of feeling proud.

    Later I did celebrate with friends, DH and hostel mates. It was fun and a very memorable. But yes times like these remind me what I have lost but God realized it was a mistake in haste to take my parents away and hence paid me back in multiples with DH and kids and amazing BILs and co-sisters. Wish I could add in-laws to the list as I did earlier. But thats fine. I still choose to be happy.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    : ) : ) Now I want to be goldfish in a bowl in your dining area.

    "God does not spoon feed. God serves a banquet"
    You say all this stuff in English or Telugu? : )

    Hope you don't drive to work. Driving after such aggravating conversations can make you run a red light or something.
    : )
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    :worship2:

    :worship2:

    :worship2:


    :worship2::worship2:

    Respect.

    Am at a loss for words. Your achievements are Inspiring beyond words.
     
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  5. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Lol why oh why a wish
    to be fly or a fish

    In Telugu only. If I want her to understand, I must talk in Telugu.
    I don't drive, I take public transport. That gives us a window to drama in other's lives (as if there is less drama in our lives !!) .
    :) :)
     
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  6. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Aioooo nothing like that @Rihana
    Its just that God helps those who are helpless. Jab dene wala detha hai chappad phaad ke detha hai types..
    We must hold on and stay put in tough times and everything shall pass.
    Nothing great and amazing about me as a person. I am used to glorify His name. :) :)
     
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  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    girl! I am falling in love with you :biggrin:

    and the above analogy is worth memorising - must remember while dispensing gyan to my kids - :grinning:
     
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  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    :) Thank you SunPa.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you really need solace and support here? I mean, you have already challenged God, and won in life.
    I was speechless reading your post about your achievements.
    I cant thank you enough for the enlightening here, and the way you carry yourself smartly. You are awesome girl.
    You know what you are doing.... You don't need guidance and assistance from anyone of us.
    God has given you the wisdom, support and all the other powers in life. Just handle it.

    Your MIL is nothing before you. Just ignore this old woman.
    What I have experienced in my life is, the MILs who do not have daughters are the stubborn type than the ones with daughters. It is altogether a tough journey with such MILs (including mine).

    At this age, I am not sure whether your MIL is gonna learn anything. Any attempt to teach her a lesson would be a mess with her fragile ego, and crying like this.

    My MIL used to comment very bad about my stylish dressing and hair style before others in the past.
    Initially I defended myself. But ended up feeling very bad, as I looked odd before MIL's crowed.
    Then I gave it back just as you. I pointed out her and her relatives who are modern in some or the other ways, so why targeting me?
    It too did not work out. She heard me well, but pretended as if I had abused her. So, she tried to create sympathy from all others, by hiding the fact that I spoke sense.

    So lately I chose to ignore her.
    Eg: She used to comment on my rebounded hair and compare myself to "Bathrakaali" and say it is a bad luck.
    I care a damn, and do what I wanted to do. If she says before others, I move out of the place, but never change.
    I speak before others as to how I spend on this hair treatment and how much respect I get out of this physical look etc as a career woman, and how this hair helped me save my time from the hectic morning dress ups etcc and of course I ensure MIL is around. So, before she comments on anything, someone or the other would say "Yes, now a days women are different, and their life style is different. Can we manage 50+ men in an office? But these young girls manage the office. To which they must polish themselves to look like managers. If they go to office with a silk saree and flowers in the head like us, perhaps their staff would greet them, but don't follow them. Our tradition is gone with our times. But it is good our young girls are really progressing"
    With this, MIL often goes off...

    Its been 5-6 years since I heard a very bad comment from MIL, that too before others. In the mean time I have changed my hair to different styles too. Of course she never liked them. But who cares.
     
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  10. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Dear, you are in the perfect right track in dealing your Mil. I can see you don't hold grudges too.. You only give it back whenever she bothers you!! Whatever dils do, these kind of Mils wont accept them as their own.So don't be sad, by thinking you can't win your Mil..

    And I can relate to you,being the topic of discussion right in front of you.. Whenever a neighbor aunty whose native is same as ours visits our house, she will complain about, how I don't watch Malayalam serials as if it is a big crime. If I didn't use coconut in curry that day, that will be the topic of discussion... how she can't eat coconut less curries.... If I did use coconut the topic will go on like this... how coconut is bad for heart.. I will be fuming inside. Now I can laugh it off all of them, may be because we are not staying with her anymore..

    And I must say, your past story and present is an inspiration to many..Kudos to you!!
     
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