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Hurt And Confused

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Deepa100, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    My sister on the other hand has emerged out to be the smarter one. She has never gone against her in-laws for the sake of my mom even with the most ridiculous requests from her in-laws. So now she is in good books of alll including my mom. My mom used to never say a word when I used to fight with my in-laws for her sake. She used to in fact say you could have fought this way etc etc. Now I realize what a Dumbo I have been all along putting mud on my own head.
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op.....may be you are right.May be your mother likes your sister better.

    May be because your sister is easier person and not a perfectionist like you.

    May be your sister is more grateful than you.
    Your mother took leave to take care of you and your baby,came to a foreign land to help you out and all you can do is complain.I have never heard of another person telling their mother how to cook to their liking. What is your mother?A paid cook.People are supposed to like "maa ke haath ka khana"
    May be your sister loves her mother's cooking and is grateful to be able to have it.

    May be your sister is less entitled and does not feel that she can just tell her mother to drop her life and accompany her back to another continent to take care of her kids .

    May be she thinks that her mother has done a lot for her.Your mother ,a working woman with not much support from husband brought you both up and you think she is still not done with her 'DUTY'.That she owes you to now help you bring up your children too. May be your sister looks for her love and not her 'duty'.


    Forget about your behavior...even if you were the perfect daughter...your parents or any parents/in laws have a right to decide who they are happy living with. You can't decide for them how and where they should be spending their time .They have done their bit ,let them do what makes them happy.

    Your mom worked for a living,brought you up well.Gave you an eduction. She has done more that her duty.

    You feel hurt.I think your mother has far more reasons to be hurt.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  3. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @Deepa, I dont mean to be harsh but @yellowmango is right. She has posted so eloquently what is wrong with this whole tale.

    You are a perfectionist, that doesnt give you the right to expect others around you to do stuff for you as per your expectations. Not unless you are employing someone and have made the duties clear in your terms of employment. when you live with others we learn to close one eye most of the time , and sometimes both.

    Many from the older generation dont feel comfortable in US. Their movements are restricted, they miss home environment, feel obligated. You cant force somebody to like something because it suits you. You want to show her around, but if she doesnt want to see places how is that supposed to make her happy?

    Do introspect.
    Have lesser expectations of those around you. And you will save a lot of heart pain.

    And if you do visit India, please please visit her, just for the sake of visiting her - no other expectations. Whether in your eyes she is "good" mother or not, you have a duty as a daughter too.


     
    sindmani, NeetaR, shobhamma and 3 others like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not surprising that parents often chose to stay with a child who is more appreciative,more in need of their help or who lives a lifestyle closer to what they have lived.
     
    sindmani, SGBV and deepthyanoop like this.
  5. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Dear, you are doing lots of comparisons here. Let me tell you, this will only bring heart ache to you. You may be right. May be you are right, your mother may be feeling more connected to your sister than you. Is it fair??? Noo. But what can you do about it?? Your mother may be having her own reasons for that, which you may not be aware of...

    So what I am telling is stop all these comparisons in your mind for your own peace of mind. Let your mind accept the fact that right now, your mother is feeling more comfortable with your sister..Reasons what may be...If your sister accused you of being rude to your mother, talk to your mother in a calm way that what were your points and you didn't intend to hurt .. And stop it at that...Don't force her to come to your place.. she already gave you subtle clues that she don't like to stay in US.
    You said your mother brought up you and your sister almost single handedly as your dad was irresponsible. It is her ripe age now...she may be tired both mentally and physically. It is your responsibility now to provide her all the emotiona
    support she needs and not otherwise....
     
  6. magician

    magician Silver IL'ite

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    Well... at least you have a mom. Some folks don't.

    And if you think you are underappreciated, I am sure someone out there would love to be a pseudo daughter.
     
  7. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    OP..

    Parents "duties" are done after raising us. I feel it's unfair even to expect that they play a role in raising their grandkids. They can come, hangout & play with the kids. But expecting to take care of cooking, bathing, cleaning is a bit too much according to me. We are adults, we can hit any curve ball thrown at us. Volunteer help is nice, but when it becomes an expectation it will start nothing but trouble.

    2nd part...she doesn't like the US. No point forcing her to come here knowing she dislikes being in the US. She cannot suddenly become friends with someone you just introduced. In india, she interacts with so many ppl on a daily basis, that fills her emotional quotient, but here, she cannot even walk to a nearby grocery store. She is dependent on you for everything, that is a hard situation to be in. Say, suddenly your spouse wants to take your child to india for few months..you will analyze it a lot right...right from water, weather, language, culture barriers...do the same with your mom.

    Don't compare & fight with your sister. Your mom cried herself to sleep everynight..you shouldn't be feeling betrayed that she told your OWN sister about it..talk to your sis & understand what the issue is. If coming to US makes her unhappy..let her be. Just spend some time with her when you are in india.

    Will you be willing to relocate to india for few months to help mom with something? think about it.
     
    sindmani, yellowmango and nuss like this.
  8. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    Grew up not knowng what mother's love is as never had a chance! Think of all those less fortunate ones. Be grateful to what u have. See if you can talk it out and clear the air. Mother's are forgiving and so are the daughters. It's one life after all...
     
  9. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    OP..

    I read your post again. I feel like you are yearning for your mothers love & attention and you feel like you are not getting it. is that right?
     
  10. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Yellowmango,

    It certainly takes a person who has siblings and has experienced such a difference in treatment in their life to understand what another person in the same state is going through. It always is easier to be authoritative and comment on other people's miseries by rubbing salt on their wounds. I am in no way pointing towards you on whether you have siblings or not. Not everyone will face such incidents in life and perhaps that is why when someone does face such incidents people feel that the person who posted the issue is being self-centered... how in the world!!????

    You have certainly not read what I have mentioned in my post. I have never mentioned that I want her here to help me raise my children. It is my sister and BIL who want elder's presence to take care of their child. I had availed WFH to take care of my children and now I have quit my job to take care of my family and certainly have no regrets about it because I feel as parents we are responsible for our kids and not expect others to take care.

    My mom was here for my delivery and FYI I had given her a choice that she could refuse to come too!! I do not know if you know that there are certain dietary restrictions after childbrith. In most households it is the grandmother or the mother who is knowledgable on all the processes to take care of a mother and child post birth. In my case, my mother is totally ignorant of all these practices as she did not make an effort to learn from her mom. THanks to that, I faced some medical issues after my first child which certainly could have been avoided if I had an experienced person alongside. I certainly did not want that to repeat with my sister and my second child too. I made an effort to learn all the procedures from other elders and implemented that in case of my sister and my second one too. Despite all this, a daughter does not certainly need to explain to the world why she needs her mother near her post childbirth. I wanted her for the same.

    So in what way is telling my mother to cook certain dishes the way I like an issue? If a your husband or mom or children or in-laws says cook a certain dish this particular way what would you call it?? paid cooking????

    I am aware that elders are out of their comfort zone in foreign lands. Every responsible daughter or son is aware and they do their bit to make life easier.

    I certainly do not want to know what made you infer such conclusions or assumptions that my sister is more grateful and that she is more tolerant. I felt this forum is to help people out of their miseries and not make a feeling worse!!!!

    I have clearly mentioned my feelings on whats running in my mind and how I am feeling. Is it a mother or father's ' DUTY' like you say(I never used that word anytime) to raise kids and make them capable of living a decent life.. I never knew it can be called a DUTY. I thought it is the way of life and that is how all species work.

    If a daughter cannot have this minimum expectation from her mother, then do you even say the other way is wrong? Just having such a craving to be loved, to be accepted is considered selfish??

    If life's problems can be solved by being free of expectations it would be ideal but it is not the case. Why do we need such forums? Why do we need a parents and siblings section or why do we have a relationships section. One can just post a message saying that whoever has a problem with their husband or mom or anyone on the planet just drop all their expectations and live like saint.

    There will be a lot of incidents which any person facing issues will not be able to tell in detail in any forums. It is a free forum and everyone is definitely entitled to their opinion but in no way must it be harsh or rude considering the above fact. A person will only post their issue in a forum because they find a forum to be friendly and respecting. Nothing gives any person the right to be outrightly harsh to another person with the limited facts posted out here.
     
    blindpup10 and Jazmine83 like this.

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