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I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions! (Apologies in advance!)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ispeaksru, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    I like this quote by Dante- "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality."

    In today's world those who justify practices that causes so much grief to many is just wrong. There are some who stand by their beliefs and will not let their parents spend on their weddings and then there are those who take the easy way out in name of culture (and because they profit) and stand by while their parents spend exorbitant amount of money for their daughter's marriage many times dipping into their retirement money or even going into debt all the while the educated daughter stands by. If parents can afford it, by all means go for it. But I am sure there are many parents who cannot but have no choice in the matter- family prestige or societal demands or daughter's happiness makes then do all they can. But perpetuating the myth that someone is going to get any special punyam because they spend money for a wedding is silly.

    I am sure there were people who said about many other practices that is "impossible practically" but because of tireless effort of those who wanted to fight social injustices, change was brought about. Change is coming ....slower than I like.....but it is a fact that there is change because there are more and people who think like the OP that they don't want to cause financial strain to their parents.


    OP- Firstly. Congrats of your upcoming wedding. You seem to have a good guy and understanding IL's. Your future IL's have some wish for their son's wedding and that is not wrong. You are also not wrong in not wanting to burden your parents financially.

    Weddings are happy times but with two different families coming together there need for all parties to make some compromises. Be open with your fiancé and tell him your concerns. If his parents want a big wedding, mention that you are willing to go along with it as much as you can but with your savings and with help from him. From everything you said he loves you and has stood by you so there is no reason for him not to understand your stand in this issue. If anything he will respect you more for taking a stand for your parents.

    As for all that Iyer/ non- Iyer issues, don't make it a big deal. People are people- some good , some bad. You IL's seem the good kind. Weddings come once in a lifetime so enjoy the wedding and all the rituals that go along with it so long as that makes you comfortable.
     
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  2. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    People who have money spend hugely on their daughter's marriage but they set wrong expectations of some other people too...so it's not a right thing to say that what's the harm ???I have the money I am spending it...
    Even if we can't change the society....least we can do is stop supporting wrong practices by actions and by words both....
    And marriage expenses borne only by girl's parents is not fair....doesn't matter what kind of explanation is behind this tradition....
     
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  3. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hahaha.....either give idea to avoid grand wedding otherwise support it .....hahaha.....
     
  4. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I have not read all the replies and this is wrt to your original post.

    As someone said on the first page, I think you should make it clear to your fiance about what you can and cannot do, and have him communicate this tactfully to his parents. IMO if your PILs-to-be seem understanding overall, but have some expectations about the wedding, you should first understand clearly what they are.

    It would be less of a headache for everyone involved if one party (you or them) is willing to compromise about the temporary aspects such as saree, flowers, rituals etc. If you feel strongly against piercing your nose for example, make sure your PILs are aware of that much before the wedding, so that if there are snarky comments from their relatives' side, they can handle it for you. IMO your inhibitions about saree, madisar etc. seem (to me) to stem more from pre-wedding jitters than anything else. In an intercaste marriage, it is better to have PILs understand beforehand what you will not do before the wedding, as this relates not only to the wedding but to a lifetime of rituals such as post-wedding events, baby shower, newborn function, 1st birthday etc. etc. If you make it seem like you are okay with everything, they might end up expecting too much from you-however nice they are; it is human.

    Brahmin or non-brahmin, all weddings will have people who love to sit on the sidelines and comment. As the new bride, you have to learn to handle all that. You have not mentioned whether your parents are okay with an all-out Brahmin wedding-if they are, that is one less problem for your to handle and you can focus on the Brahmin part (and otherwise) of the whole thing!
     
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  5. CoolIndianGirl

    CoolIndianGirl Bronze IL'ite

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    i hope u had so many suggestions from senior ppl here.. my case is opposite.. brahmin girl married to a non brahmin guy .. our wedding was a brahmin style wedding.. This is wat we did...

    1) according to my inlaws they think my dad did all expense. but my husband supported it from behind. we basically shared it.. my MIL still boost my parents that they did very good job at wedding.. my parents were ok to get money from my husband also my husband never let a word till now that he too shared expense with them
    2) Big problems came during wedding.. parents have to be shirtless and sit .. ur dad ok for that.. did ur mil spoke abt that.. also both parents needs to wear poonal .. did ur mil demanded that? Thali pattern was another issue. now i m wearing both thali patterns.
    3) kasi yathra is all fine for ur dad.. ? he needs to wash groom's leg.. though my dad knows his sister my aunt created an issue...
    4) another prob was neither my husband nor his parents had a bit of idea abt customs... so one of our uncle was there to help them tell them but again since he cant interfere so much my in laws came to nalangu which was morning oil keeping cermony after taking bath.. lukily my uncle stopped my husband from taking bath ... that was another issue..
    5) eating food.. they cant eat food till all the cermony over.. but my inlwas are not ok with that..
    6) wedding night we do in chathiram but even my husband was not ok with that idea...
    7) keep someone from ur husband side whom u r close too so that they can guide u wat needs to be done.. because there is lot ... even seervarisai thatu, gopuram all needs to come from both sides... my athai (dad's sister) did all those for them..arranging bringing for mapilai azhaipu... all those things.. because everybdy was ok till marriage... but on the day of marriage they were so much mess... so many misunderstandings.. bascialy they didnt know wat to do... i m not sure if we followed all customs properly but my mom was happy and my inlaws was so cooperative.. though there were some demands which we tackled..
    8) after marriage we are not living with inlwas we are in us so no issues til now... but my husband still eats NV we dont cook at home he eats outside. he doesnt bring it home ,. but now he started bringing and eats in throwable plate.. not sure what will happen in future..... wenever my mom comes he wears punal and wen his mom comes he removes it.. i know we are not respecting the customs but since parents are happy we are ok..
    9) after baby my inlaws didnt say anything but my husband wanted to put mottai in his hometown in madurai but i wanted to do in tirupati (not my parents) since i pray a lot.. i saw ur line he is not big religious... before marriage even my husband was not religious he was not following his customs.. i dont know age or marriage or wat external factor make them religious or follow their custom.. .. though finally i won he still says that everything happening according my wish.. though i pretend to laugh it off.. it runs on my mind...
    But overall i m the happiest then anybdy in my family.. no inlaw issues as such..

    i m not typing all this to scare u.. this is wat u need to expect..but marriage is like a lift time happiest event..enjoy to the core.. probs will be there. small hiccups will be there.. but dont take it to ur heart .. dont loose ur smile.. enjoy each and every moment.. very happy married life..
     
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  6. CoolIndianGirl

    CoolIndianGirl Bronze IL'ite

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    one more thing to add... i m not sure how much ur inlaws are following customs. there is lot.. like patthu...even wen maid washes the dishes my mom wash again and keep in kitchen.. till now my mom havnt served my inlaws in plate.. rather she uses corelle set which we keep for guest or banana leaf... i only know the intension behind it.. i have never let my husband too know that.. for her my husband is ok.. but not inlwas still.. this is big big thing .. for every pooja i will be asked to do as per my inlaws custom and my parents custom.. my mom insist me to wear madisar for all pooja.. we kept kolu but my inlaw so not so happy but they didnt protest but called me mami for next few weeks in irritating manner .. i m not sure if i will keep kolu again next yr.. i m still scared to leave my inlaws and parents together.. after marriage none of my relatives allowed me to do any customs in their functions.. ther was sumagali prathana and i was not allowed to sit since i married to another caste guy.. till now all my mamas and uncle ask how is thevar paiyan... not how is ur husband.. so sorry to tell u all this but u need to know... talk with ur fiance.. make sure u both are compatible.. that is the only thing that keeps us going.. our ppl is still not very much ready to accept intercaste marriage..
     
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  7. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    I totally agree- spending obscene amounts on wedding to me is the biggest waste regardless of how much one has. My parents (especially Dad wanted big weddings for all of us) but I was totally opposed to it. My parents would have been able arrange a big wedding without going into debt of otherwise having financial strain but I was still totally against it. We did not let parents spend and we did have a fun wedding and best part is all our family was happy with it.

    We can change the society because we are the society. Every change begins with each one of us. When we change, the society will see the ripple effect of that change.

    There was a time when marrying out of your "caste" was unthinkable but now it is most commonplace. So why are dowry and other practices not changing as much? Because the truth is many brides are also ok with it.

    I am glad I stood my ground and in doing so found my husband. If I had succumbed to what society dictates God knows where I would have ended up.

     
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  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Who is asking to support it? Empty bashans will take us no where . If one feels strongly about it , I am sure they will have some sort of idea on how to take society towards that goal.
     
  9. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    The non glorified meaning of for the ritual is to accept that it is a evil practice.

    Any wedding that is is not one sided (spending by the the bride's parents) is the way to avoid grand wedding
     
  10. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Dharma ? In which religion does it say that it is fine to torture another human ?
     

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