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Please help me not to explode - need your prayers, harassing BIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by confusedwoman, Nov 13, 2014.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    sort of turning into a hypochondriac when you hear of some sickness. i understand what you are trying to say.

    have a few friends who even relate themselves to tv serials..

    seriously this forum is not for the one who can't be be attached unattached.....

    I use the word unattached because detachments also means being elusive, being not able to connect or relate..which is not the case. we are able to visualise the picture and sometimes more than that...

    so unattached here i refer to being able let things be as they are not being affected personally by them.. learn that this is virtual anon and need not make me feel depressed or angry after a few seconds...

    comes with being here for sometime
     
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  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    confusedwoman,

    stand up for yourself and your child. your husband needs to grow up a spine.

    tell him nobody is going to crown him for being the good son and good brother. that he is also responsible for his son.

    so what if you have been termed short tempered. it is not the end of the world. people tag us with anything that suits them whether it suits us are not is a debate. i would not mind being labelled tigress/hitler, if it meant protecting mine...."BEWARE MOM at PROWL" is a fun tag that my dd uses and feels proud.

    i have a son who is 16, and he would stand up against anybody who would say something against me . what i am trying to say, is that take your husband to task for not standing up for his son.

    if you don't start even now, maybe things could go to worser state...
     
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  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    "Your Brother is single ,he is jealous of you ,aiming for you to become single " repeat this after every argument to stamp it into the minds of both your H & PILs.They had to start looking for a bride for him with that impact.


    "Tell your BIL that he is disturbing your marriage because he is jealous of his brother and he couldnt get a girl to marry ".Place your BIL in the hot water to prove otherwise.Try not to cry or talk loudly.Repeat the line one way or other to his face during his stay.There seems to be no love lost bet you two.Try to direct all talks towards him ,away from your personal life.

    Your H seems to live a laid back life,he doesnt think that you could leave him and adjust for him to any extent.Scare him a bit to show that if he loves his brother he could inherit his single status too very soon.Scare him for real like releasing plan to raise the child on your own,on your own feet(after divorce plans if its not feasible to live with him).Make him feel he is unrealiable for you,so you had to make some solid plans for your own good.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Absolutely agree with Pear...Put it out in the open dear and sound the bugle.
    You are alone in this one as your loving husband is spine less. Say it loud and clear in front of husband ,bil,mil and fil...that bil is a sick bitter man who wants his brother's marriage to end like his.He has been trying for this all along and now he is using your innocent child to get to you so that he will eventually be able to break you down . Call him out as the marriage breaker and child and woman abuser he is. Put in in your husband's head .Start by telling him his brother is un invited for the birthday .You will not let anyone hurt your child because his own father doesn't give a ****.

    Every time there is an argument because of the creep....repeat..."your brother wants to break up our marriage".
     
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  5. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    detachment is one thing and desensitization, another. i had not read any of the OP's posts before this, but having read them, it's clear that his intent is to sabotage. it is one thing to direct the couple, rather his wife, but he is upping the ante by involving the kids also. sometimes people become so used to certain patterns they sort of become oblivious to the total unfairness of it all. a bit like when people live in war zones with constant conflict, it kind of becomes the new normal.
    OP, all the best.

    also wanted to add, some trolls and drama queens aside, i don't think of this forum as relative to tv soap operas or just the virtual world. while the forum is virtual, the people and their problems are real, something that i try to keep in mind when it's easier to regard them as mundane.
     
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  6. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I say only one thing: Stand up for your child. Dont wait for your husband to say and plead him to stop. As a mother you have every right to stop any nonsense coming your child's way.. Stop it immediately or else that idiot may one day say this on your child's face or to your child via phone and the impact it will leave on your child's mind will be very harsh. Your child may feel he is not smart as other children and may lose his self-confidence. So stop it once and for all. Once you stand up for your child, no one dare tell something bad or point a finger on him.
     
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  7. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Op You need to show your anger and ask your BIL to shut his mouth. And do tell your husband that his brother cannot call this way. If he keeps doing this then stop calling BIL.
     
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  8. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Sit down and talk to you H. This will not do.Tell him you are a mother and cannot take such talks. You kept quite at that time so that you don't take actions when you were angry. What kind of a father is he to listen to some one say this about his son. How can you expect him to stand for your son and you in the future. He might say 'oh it was nothing, he did not mean. blah! blah!. Ask him would he be ok if someone said the same to his mom, or dad or brother. Give him ultimatum, if he is going to be inactive, you are going to put that dbag bully in place. you H's brother is a nasty piece of work, i think it is time to get even.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    You have to read your first post closely. Read it many times. Your BIL referred to your child as AUTISM multiple times. Your husband did not do anything about that. You post ends calling your marriage beautiful.

    There are some things that should have a parent react swiftly and forcefully, of his own volition, not when directed or trained to. If the parent does not react that way, the other parent has some deep and unpleasant thinking to do.

    Your first responsibility is to your child, and protecting him, not to your marriage and not to a birthday party.
     
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  10. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    Dear IL's,

    I confronted DH yesterday and asked him why his brother used such language and it won't be allowed in my house, if he repeats it neither will he. Well my husband totally denied such an occurrence with a straight face and said I existed in a parallel universe where such things happen. When I said I will record it next time, he is saying I am just doing it to separate two brothers. This will be the outcome for every such verbal abuse by BIL in the past 4 years. BIL does verbal abuse only in front of my husband, MIL,FIL sand everyone denies. Except for the barren tree comment which he slipped and uttered in front of my dad, so that is the only thing DH accepts as a mistake. So, I just have to wait for a slip up with other witnesses or my anger will just be washed off as a foolish girls imagination.

    My husband does not want to forsake his relationship with his brother till now, I just have to keep showing his nature and keep avoiding him.

    I have refused to visit his home, refused to talk to him, refused to go to India trip with him. All of these had more impact in BIL showing true colors to DH and PIL's and my parents than my 4 years of war,fighting,anger, threats to leave my husband and leaving my husband twice have.

    Also, my MIL, the person who supported BIL in all his abuse, now says she can't talk to him or live with him for three months in the USA because he harasses her. She stopped seeing matches for him. I think his breaking point is near and I will wait out and wait for a chance to prove his nature with witnesses.

    My husband has been attuned to deny his brothers abuse since childhood, I have to wait for his paternal instinct to overcome this impulse( working on it everyday), not saying this is healthy, this is just what it is.

    Even if I walk out, my husband will feel happy that he sacrificed for his brothers sake,BIL extremely happy, MIL happy as queen of three households and banks.

    Only ones unhappy me and my son who is away from his dads love.My husband wants to move to India and take care of his obligations ( his mom's sisters and their sons) if this marriage breaks.

    Also, if my son was present yesterday, I would have told exactly what was on my mind and protected my son from this beast.I plan to teach my son the real nature of BIL too.

    heres the thing this is DH second marriage , first marriage successfully ruined by BIL, as the wife was prettier than BIL wife. He sabotaged both marriages. Now how many times should BIL win?, won't it be safer for my son to watch until he does it in front of witness to take a bigger measure by family or legally. Rather than me just yelling?
     

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