DH very supportive but fed up of MIL, can't take it anymore, plz advice..

Sorry thegoodlife, but these are typical joint family problems. Lucky are people who have nice MILs. All you can do is ignore. Are you working or a housewife? may be it will be better if you take up a job or enrol in some classes so that you can be away from your MIL as much as possible.

 

One thing would be to keep yourslef busy and hence lessen your interaction with her


why dont your pursue a course or a job (part time/ full time) to keep yourself occupied

If you are nterested you can take tuitions for neighbour hood kids or voulnter at many NGOs....there is a lot of options .

wish u all the best

 

Hi TGL,

Sorry to hear about your problems. True, this is the story in a large number of households but we not being statistics, that knowledge is cold comfort.

You have a few options. I don't know which is the most workable for you.

Get a full time job and get out of the house. Let her do the cooking if she has problems with yours. As for the sweeping-swabbing, why don't you get a maid to do the needful?

Try and get your husband to get a separate establishment for you - even if it is rented, so you have your own domain and she her's. Tell your husband you too had a 25 year old relationship with your mom and have given him precedence over her. Let him not get blackmailed by his mother.

Don't ask your husband to intervene. Deal with your mil directly.

 

Dear thegoodlife,

I would say ignore her comments. When someone say/do things deliberately, we cannot change them. The aim is to make an issue and pick a fight. The best way is to ignore the comments and defeat the very purpose its meant far. When you get tensed, angry and show it on your face then it makes the other person happy because thats what they want it. Defeat that very purpose, instead be happy, don't mind, you know you have done the best don't bother about gestures and words. She will very soon get tired of her ways because her expected results are not happening.

 

dear thegoodlife,

Keeping in mind yr MIL's behaviour, it wud be foolish to think that things wud improve if u take up a job or ask her to cook. Women who exhibit this behaviour, r usually the ones who hv run their households on their own terms n hv generally been praised by their families for doing such a good job. So when their son gets married and a new woman arrives on the scene, they start feeling insecure that the rest of the family might just start liking the "other woman". Hence, the MIL tries to find fault in everything that the DIL does just to prove that she is better. In such cases, it doesn't matter if it is a love marriage or arranged or whether the DIL is docile or aggressive.

Just to give an example, when my brother got married [arranged marriage BTW !], my mother wud find it difficult to praise my sister-in-law even if she cooked the best of meals. My father simply loved the food that my SIL prepared. My SIL is extremely good in time management and wud somehow manage to do everything despite being a working woman. My mother would not pick up fights though but wud usually sulk the whole day whenever my SIL was praised. So i had to literally prod my mother to accept the new relationship with love n not be such a "miser" when it came to appreciating someone's efforts. She has improved quite a bit n is now more appreciative of my SIL.

My advice to you wud be two fold - firstly, u can sit down with yr MIL and hv an honest chat about how u want to hv a good relationship with her and what can be some of the things that can be done to achieve this. You can also try to convince her that u r not a threat or an intruder who wants to ruin the mother-son relationship.

Secondly, if u feel that this talk has failed or not yeilded any result, then instead of having arguments everyday and letting the relationship go from bad to worse, it wud perhaps be a good decision to move out currently. This wud not only give you and her enough breathing space but at the same time wud give your MIL time to adjust to the new situation. Maybe she wud actually realise her mistake and ask u guys to return to a reformed environment. But by staying on and trying to reform her or asking yr husband to intervene, u wud make matters worse. No husband wants to return home fm office just to be bombarded by his mother or wife telling him of what transpired between them during the day. Ofcourse, it goes without saying that you wud hv to handle this matter with utmost tact and sensitivity when u tell yr husband that u want to move out. After all u r talking about his mother. Just like we feel our mothers r the best, it is unwise to think that men dont feel the same way. U can probably also tell him that u dont mind returning when matters cool down a little bit.

So best of luck n let us know how best u handled this.

love
kylie