Problem again... Disturbed.. and need quick remedy please

Tugga · Jan 12, 2012

Dear Friends,

I thought I shouldn't come back to this site once again in my life, I mean posting any threads about my issues, looking for helps from virtually, but somehow I am back again with another tension.

Today I am at office with severe headache, and I am unable to concentrate anything here... That's why I am writing at least to vent out.

As I told you before, my mom is here with me to help with the kid coz my former servant can no longer work with us, and the new one is just very new to us. So, I requested mom to be with us for another month or so to monitor the servant and teach her about my kid's routines. Despite all the other issues, my mom has agreed to this and staying with us.

My H doesn't like this idea, and wants to send my mom back home. He directly and indirectly mentioned this to me.. and made a few unpleasant things against my mom to send her back. But she is still with us just for the baby.. That's a different story

On the other hand, my MIL wants to come and stay with us.. that I am totally against with... And that might be the reason that my H behaves weirdly with my mom...

Reasons apart.... Today I noticed that all our drinking water cans are empty in the morning.. Apparently the supplier didnt come for a week now. I left for the office at 7.30 am and asked my DH to buy a can immediately as my son needs water for his breakfast. I stressed him a couple of times to do this, as he used to be so irresponsible and I worried that he wont buy water this time too.

As I worried, he sat in a cafe for 2 hrs and then went to the market, and relaxedly went to the market for vegetable shopping. Meanwhile my mom and servant (both are new to the area/town and have no vehicle access as my DH and I have taken our cars by then) tried to call him several times for water and he didnt answer them either.

When he was back at 11, my mom managed to buy a little water from the neighbor (that was the first time she mingles with her and not sure what type of water they are using - we are used to mineral water cans and we always worry about other waters due to infections) and fed my son. But she didnt eat her breakfast then.

When H was there my mom has expressed her disappointment and that has hurt my H.
I was suppose to attend a meeting this afternoon, but it was cancelled, so I inform DH that i will come for lunch... He didnt inform this to mom, so they haven't cooked for me (just cooked enough only for the 3 coz no one eat afternoon's excess meal at dinner time).

When I entered, mom adjusted the quantity and gave me enough food with another disappointment that DH didnt tell them about my visit... By the way, after having his stomach full, DH has taken a bunch of rice in his plate for the street dogs, that has badly hurt my mom and servant that they were already adjusting their meals to give us enough lunch.. and now Dh, without thinking about them, doing such an irresponsible act.

When mom asked why are you taking rice out, he said "do you think i am the servant here? why do you look at my plate? Do you think your servant is more important than me? And also if I ask you why do you eat lot at this age how bad will you feel? Then why are you poking your nose?? etc..etc... in front of the servant lady and that too I was at the break. My mom was angry and upset.. She hasnt even taken her break fast, and she used to take tablets for BP and sugar (today without break fast) and now she went to bed without lunch after this argument. I had to rush to the office as I had a meeting after lunch... I am unable to concentrate anything here...

Oh God... Why all this happening?

DH is angry that my mom was acting as she could have eaten by 11 am as soon as the water is there or as soon as the lunch is ready, but she wants to make a scene and that's why she starved till i come.
But what I understood from my mom is, that she is more sensitive..so if someone hurt her ego, then she will show it only in foods.

If this continues, i am sure I will have to resign once again... At the same time, my mom has helped me a lot during all these dark times, and I cant pick a useless fight with her just to calm my DH now.

I dont know...

blessed · Jan 12, 2012

your husband should immediately put a stop to his childish stupid behavior that to with an elderly lady who has come to help with his child. She is a guest in your home and should be treated like one, if this kind of behavior continues you have no other option but to send her back, she is your mother after all not a nanny for your baby to put up with all the silly hurtful tantrums of your husband.

If he want his mom to come then don't stop him, let's see if his mother will be of any help with the baby, you try your best to behave the same way as you did with your mother may be at least then he will understand his mistakes. At any cost he has no right to hurt your mom who is already suffering from BP and diabetes. If nothing works out see if you can take long leave until the maid adjusts to your home.

indianguy2010 · Jan 12, 2012

Tugga said: ↑

... By the way, after having his stomach full, DH has taken a bunch of rice in his plate for the street dogs, that has badly hurt my mom and servant that they were already adjusting their meals to give us enough lunch.. and now Dh, without thinking about them, doing such an irresponsible act.

When mom asked why are you taking rice out, he said "do you think i am the servant here? why do you look at my plate? Do you think your servant is more important than me? And also if I ask you why do you eat lot at this age how bad will you feel? Then why are you poking your nose?? etc..etc... in front of the servant lady and that too I was at the break. My mom was angry and upset.. She hasnt even taken her break fast, and she used to take tablets for BP and sugar (today without break fast) and now she went to bed without lunch after this argument. I had to rush to the office as I had a meeting after lunch... I am unable to concentrate anything here...

Oh God... Why all this happening?

DH is angry that my mom was acting as she could have eaten by 11 am as soon as the water is there or as soon as the lunch is ready, but she wants to make a scene and that's why she starved till i come.
But what I understood from my mom is, that she is more sensitive..so if someone hurt her ego, then she will show it only in foods.

If this continues, i am sure I will have to resign once again... At the same time, my mom has helped me a lot during all these dark times, and I cant pick a useless fight with her just to calm my DH now.

I dont know...
Click to expand...

A husband quarrelling with his Mother In Law ?.....:spin sounds strange...!! I guess, he must be having some hidden agenda behind it...!!

Otherwise, how is your overall relationship with him, in other facets of the relationship ? ( Leaving alone the issue you versus his mom & he versus your mom....for the time being. )

Tugga · Jan 12, 2012

I am a new staff here... Resumed my work in India after a long break, so I cant even think of long break as of now.
Secondly my MIL is the reason why I am here suffering with all the pains and tears. She is the one doing everything using a remote control with my husband. Because of her interference only everything (all the love,care and affection) is lost in my life. I am sure as why this lady wants to come back... Because she wants to empty my bank once again with her plans, black mails and all... When I am out for work, i will have to completely rely on her (and DH) to take care of my kid, and then they will easily use my dependency to make sure that I dance as per their tunes, and that too in financial matters. I dont want that stress anymore.

Tugga · Jan 12, 2012

Dear IG

He used to be my sweet hear for almost 5 yrs before marriage. I was the one who brought him upto this level while all his family members threw him away from his home due to astrological reasons. I developed sympathy on him and that turned to be a love affair soon. After so much problems from both ends, we managed to get married 3 yrs back in India.

Till marriage he behaved nice with me, although his carelessness, and short temper were there, but after marriage he turned out to be a different person. That is too 1 week after marriage... He says he wanted to protect his mom who was insecure after our love marriage, so danced as per her tunes and hurt me as much as he could.

There were so much to a point (sending me to abroad, asked me not to come home, emptying my bank acc without my permision, didnt want to have a baby with me, didnt want to live with me, and so much verbal and physical torture while i was pregnant and again left me alone with a baby after emptying my acc, I didnt have a job then and he didnt pay anything for our survival... etc..etc...) where I could no longer bear his torture, so I decided to move out of my mom's home (to give them some peace of mind) and found a job for my (and my son's) security.

He then came to me with so much apologies, and I agreed to live with him with a condition that he should forget about his parents or forget me (If he wants he can deal with them, but never to link me or kid with them). He agreed and joint me. He has no job in hand, and hopefully he will remain the same. Meanwhile he enjoys all the lavish type of life style with my hard earned money, but still tries to get sympathy out of his present jobless state. I could do nothing as I felt any of my act of saving money by restricting his expenses might hurt him, so I manage everything now. But I earn hard and that's not a big deal to me.

After this servant problem, my mom came to help me with the kid... She is also concerned about my savings as she knows all my bank acc was emptied by my inlaws at a point where I could not stand or fight. She knew how I suffered emotionally when I had to look for loans and helps from relatives (siblings) to bring my child up and to meet my medical needs even though I had almost 70 lkhs in my account before pregnancy. So, she is bit concerned of my savings as she knew my Dh would never help me to lead a family, but he will somehow try to empty me. She was kind of protecting wall that my MIL and DH hates.

daffny · Jan 12, 2012

tugga, you seem to be too much stressed with new born baby and new job. be relaxed dear. this is the time every woman is stressed as they have to manage both the places. you are not new to this situation.

we are managing without parents here and you can also manage easily if you really take it as a challenge. the best thing in anybody's life to live happily and peacefully is being independent. dont depend on anybody your or his mother. this is the one which brings so many problems in anybody's life. this may seem to be extremely difficult or impossible to you for now. but if you really take a step in this you will be a successful person in life. i brought my second child when he was 2 months old. when my maid stopped coming when he is 7 months i just cried literally. i thought that was end of my day. but.....I managed that also. one of my friends who is a housewife gave me so much confidence that i can. she really motivated me even though she was not able to help me in this. she gave so many ideas how to manage child without maid. i managed everything sucessfully and my son is going to school from this april. now I dont want anybody's help. for you also 1 or 2 yrs like this. so try to manage by yourself. all baby sitting people or not that bad. look for some people or friend who can help you in this. my neighbour used to leave the baby with her friend and pick up while coming back. do somehting like that if you dont want to leave the child in creach. take a decision be strong in that and be happy friend. my prayers for you.

deepa10 · Jan 12, 2012

Dear Tugga,

Dont you think your husband is acting beyond a limit which no one could bare...?! I have always wondered how you have so much patience to handle him!! :bonk

Now your are more dependant on your mom than your husband for your child. Its obvious that your husband is not going to help you in any daily chores. And you mom, in-spite of you choosing the husband and deciding everything in your life, she is there wit you just because of the love and affection she has on you. When your husband can get irritated and create a scene for simple reasons, why cant she get irritated and expect a small attention for herself. I must say, you have got a loving caring mom. :bowdown Dont fight with her or even ask about her activities just because ur husband says something. That will surely make her more upset.

Also this happened due to the carelessness of your husband. I can understand that you cannot manage both the tensions in your home as well as work pressure at office.But at the same time you cannot let your husband do anything he wishes when clearly, the mistake is on his side. How can be so stupid not to buy water when he knows that there is a child in home. There is simply no words to describe his behaviors. This shows that he wants your mom just out of your house. Tell your husband that when he as a husband is not performing his roles properly, he cant expect anyone (including his MIL) to respect him or obey him. Ask him to find a job, whatever it could be. Ask him to go and earn before he comes and talks about others behaviors.

Tell him that ur mother performs the role of Grand mom perfectly and there s no reason to find fault with her. Whereas, he as a father has his own set of responsibilities and he should do at least one or two in that to save his self-respect, if remaining any. There is a saying in Tamil "uthavi seyla naalum ubathiram seiyama irukanum" meaning even if you are of not any help, you must not create any problem/disturbance. Tell him to refrain doing all these kind of stupid activities and to behave himself.

I guess your are not being harsh enough to him and I feel you should give left and right to him for behaving in such a way. Dont let him talk like this to your mother for any reason when she being a real help to you. Be more affirmative and never feel pity for him. Only when you behave tough, you can live atleast peacefully. Take care.

sruthi1981 · Jan 12, 2012

sorry about your mom. you should not let her suffer like this let her go. In my opinion not involving anybody from both families is good for you both, after what all happened. Until both of you come to normal terms and good to each other it is better to not involve anyone from any families. unnecessary stress. So no body is hurt. On a weekend you can show to the new servant what to do with baby or you can show it to her one day and she will follow it. No involvement complete zero invovlement from either families might do a bit of good in getting you both together. If he can get a job or you can get him a job as you did in your early days then he will get busy and will change his behavior. if you want a peaceful, stressfree life this is the only solution in my opinion but it will cost you money to employ help.

once you both are on your own it is good to let go of past and not bring it up. make it a rule to not bring past and to not bring in any one from either families till you both are in good terms. finding him a job will help you in this as he will not have time to brood upon little things.

satchitananda · Jan 12, 2012

Tugga, why don't you just let this guy go jump. Let him get out of the house, do what he wants with his life and you get on with yours with your baby?

ars · Jan 12, 2012

OMG tugga, You are still mentioning your h as dh. I don't see whats so dear about him.
Why are you going so up and down with your emotions.
Once you come across as a strong person who knows what to do and not ready to take all the crap dished out by the looser, leach H (Sorry if I hurt your feelings. I am just saying it like I see it). Next you come across as a damsel in distress and ready to quit your job.
Come on dear decide one thing and stick to it.