need to vent....

psych · Jan 4, 2012

i need to vent...so dh's (moronic friend) friend suggests an alliance for dh's sister. this person is 32 yrs working in the usa military. he suggests that this may be a good alliance for dh's sister who is 37 yrs old. I was all for it. DH rejected saying marriage wont work and then calls his parents to talk abt counselling for his sister. As usual they denied anythng was wrong with their daugther. DH questioned that if she is allright then why isnt she talking to him for 6 yrs. DH's parents blasted him saying he doesnt care for his sister. Right after blasting him, they ask him to get laptop, iphone, printer, laptop bag for his niece saying she needs laptop and printer for school. All these gifts we have to buy and still his parents say he doesnt care abut his sis???? His sister doesnt talk to him, doesnt ask about his sons well being (forget about me - i am outsider whos sole responsibility is to earn money) but still he takes care of all their expenses and all their costly gifts??? Isnt that taking care of his sister even though she never appreciates it or even talks to him???? I, as a wife, have to work cook clean support myself and not ask for anything in return. I only ask to not live with in-laws but now it looks like even that freedom wont be granted. All his parents crappy behaviour is ok but if I question, then I am the bad person. Sick of it...Hate going to india!

pooja912 · Jan 4, 2012

hmmm..well this is the case with everyone who stays abroad..my sis stays abroad and whenever she comes to India..she starts cribbing... because her in-laws always trouble her.

indus2 · Jan 5, 2012

psych said: ↑

i need to vent...so dh's (moronic friend) friend suggests an alliance for dh's sister. this person is 32 yrs working in the usa military. he suggests that this may be a good alliance for dh's sister who is 37 yrs old. I was all for it. DH rejected saying marriage wont work and then calls his parents to talk abt counselling for his sister. As usual they denied anythng was wrong with their daugther. DH questioned that if she is allright then why isnt she talking to him for 6 yrs. DH's parents blasted him saying he doesnt care for his sister. Right after blasting him, they ask him to get laptop, iphone, printer, laptop bag for his niece saying she needs laptop and printer for school. All these gifts we have to buy and still his parents say he doesnt care abut his sis???? His sister doesnt talk to him, doesnt ask about his sons well being (forget about me - i am outsider whos sole responsibility is to earn money) but still he takes care of all their expenses and all their costly gifts??? Isnt that taking care of his sister even though she never appreciates it or even talks to him???? I, as a wife, have to work cook clean support myself and not ask for anything in return. I only ask to not live with in-laws but now it looks like even that freedom wont be granted. All his parents crappy behaviour is ok but if I question, then I am the bad person. Sick of it...Hate going to india!
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Please dont go to India. Your nature seems to be perfect for an American living !!

psych · Jan 5, 2012

oh really???? because I am against entitelement???

indus2 said: ↑

Please dont go to India. Your nature seems to be perfect for an American living !!
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psych · Jan 5, 2012

Most of guys (including my DH) will go an extra length for his family (parents and siblings) but when it comes to me, he will buy used stuff - like used treadmill, used furniture..if i want something brand new i would have to get it myslef. And I came to this country on my own. got established on my own. its not the money i am sad its the unfair treatment.

chocolate · Jan 5, 2012

Psych, Join infinite no of women who have the same problem. You are not alone. All solutions fail when it comes to IL's and the taking us all the way to nervous breakdown SIL.Its easier to find a solution to Rubik's Cube than this.You need to find a midway for this. Dont let your desires or wishes within limit be not fulfilled.Sometimes the key is to find our own happiness in b.n all this. Dont neglect your wishes. Buy what you want. Chances are your husband is feeling he is getting milked by his family. Why dont you see whether you can buy a house here. In a way it ties up a lot of money and he will have less to spend on his family.Put your foot down and say you wont buy used stuff. If he is firm say you dont want it if used. Do it for a series of things. When he sees you wont budge he will maybe give in.

Why dont you start doing things by your own. Say like join a painting class ,art class. Go for it regularly. Once he sees you are enjoying yourself without him , he may join you. Try to see if you can spend time by yourself doing anything. Like book club, cooking class. Once he sees you are not asking him for anything he may turn around.

About your in laws , I need not say they are milking your husband needlessly.Your SIL will only become dependent on you rather then trying to make something of herself. They are handicapping her big time.A job neednt just mean money. It means productive use of time and having social interaction to broaden your mind.She is feeling what she is doing is okay becoz your in laws support it.Soon it will come to bite them. Wait until then. Meanwhile try to find hobbies of your own. Get out and have some fun by yourself.(American Lingo). Meanwhile dont try to curb your desires. Say no to used stuff. Tell you will buy new or else nothing. Do it slowly but be consistent. Good Luck.

psych · Jan 5, 2012

I dont ask for anything. I work and i have jazzercise classes in the evening - 3 times a week. so i dont have much free time. the only time we spend together are on weekends. he doesnt come shopping with me or anything. I am not dependent on him. i can buy with my moeny. And choclate, i think thats what i need to do. Buy what I want- I want to buy a treadmill (the old used one is broken). DH was insisting that we repair it and that when the fight started. i only spent 100 usd on the used treadmill (bought for 100 bucks 4 yrs back). and i said i will buy a new oneand he resisted. thats when i got angry. like his family can ask for anything and i cant even buy a treadmill which i really need???

chocolate said: ↑

Psych, Join infinite no of women who have the same problem. You are not alone. All solutions fail when it comes to IL's and the taking us all the way to nervous breakdown SIL.Its easier to find a solution to Rubik's Cube than this.You need to find a midway for this. Dont let your desires or wishes within limit be not fulfilled.Sometimes the key is to find our own happiness in b.n all this. Dont neglect your wishes. Buy what you want. Chances are your husband is feeling he is getting milked by his family. Why dont you see whether you can buy a house here. In a way it ties up a lot of money and he will have less to spend on his family.Put your foot down and say you wont buy used stuff. If he is firm say you dont want it if used. Do it for a series of things. When he sees you wont budge he will maybe give in.

Why dont you start doing things by your own. Say like join a painting class ,art class. Go for it regularly. Once he sees you are enjoying yourself without him , he may join you. Try to see if you can spend time by yourself doing anything. Like book club, cooking class. Once he sees you are not asking him for anything he may turn around.

About your in laws , I need not say they are milking your husband needlessly.Your SIL will only become dependent on you rather then trying to make something of herself. They are handicapping her big time.A job neednt just mean money. It means productive use of time and having social interaction to broaden your mind.She is feeling what she is doing is okay becoz your in laws support it.Soon it will come to bite them. Wait until then. Meanwhile try to find hobbies of your own. Get out and have some fun by yourself.(American Lingo). Meanwhile dont try to curb your desires. Say no to used stuff. Tell you will buy new or else nothing. Do it slowly but be consistent. Good Luck.
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SriVidya75 · Jan 5, 2012

indus2 said: ↑

Please dont go to India. Your nature seems to be perfect for an American living !!
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????? what the hell??? so if a DIL says no to all these demands from her inlaws...she is americanised??? and you wont call the parents greedy and money minting???

go slow with your assumptions man!!

SriVidya75 · Jan 5, 2012

psych

I remember telling you this before also.....unless your husband realises this money extraction thing....no one can do anything....he has to make his sister independant and stand on her feet...teach her how to fish..instead of giving fish to her everytime she needs one...this is going to make her life miserable down the line...rather than any better..

people are not thinking about her life in the long run....her parents are thinking they are protecting her..but infact they are making her sick by keeping her at home, not letting her mingle out which eventually leads to mental depression...she needs some activity tokeep her brain sharp...forget about marriage..but she has to step out and make friends to get out of depression(which wont happen unless your husband puts his foot down.)

no matter how much stuff he buys for her...she cant be reformed...or she cant be cured...she needs medical help and therapist attention to get back to normal life

adding....One more note is...I even wonder whether your SIL has to be remarried...because she seems like in depression and if you guys forcibly get her married..it may end up in separation or the guy running away...because the desire to get married has to come from your SIL and her parents...so that she too has her own life n family....but seems like she is expecting her brother to be care taker of her and her kid...with she sitting at home. and how can you make such people go out?? when her parents are insisting she doesnt need therapy...except MONEY!!!

justanothergirl · Jan 5, 2012

Psch ,..money is a senstive topic for many couples around the world. This is not just a Indian or Desi InLaws thing. What one spouse thinks is a 'need' many times the other spouse calls it a luxury. The one with the tighter fist or louder voice will prevail. When spending habits do not resonate and both of you are working..I think keeping a part of ur take home pay separate just for your own personal use is a very good option. THis is something many American couples I work with follow.Both the man and wife give a portion of their check for monthly expenses,one portion for saving...and keep the balance in their personal account which they are free to spend. Make sure ur hubby understands that u will keep him informed of ur purchases from this account but wont necessarily take into account his opinion about the necessity of the purchase. Needless to say he needs to have that freedom too..which I would think in his case will translate to spending on his parents..Try it out!
Good luck!