Should I give him another chance? - Big Post - Its 6 years of my life

I am a newly registered member of Indus Ladies. I have been reading IL forum posts for a few years now.

About me:
I am an optimistic, practical and Career Oriented-independent women. I make my own decisions. My parents trust me and support me in my way of life. I left my parents house when I was 16 years old and since then have been independent. I have fair knowledge of cooking and taking care of my home and job.

The problem:
My married life has been the most difficult one and I am not sure why?!!! I married a guy whom My parents chose.I talked to him and connected to him for a few months before marriage. He told me that my independence and forward thinking attitude is what he liked about me. My husband is a good individual but he is not a pro-active person. He understands everything but always runs away from any issue(i mean literally!!.. he just walks out)

The root cause of issues in my marriage is my SIL(husband's elder sister). She is 35+ and unmarried. her mother rejects every marriage proposal. She is looking for a guy who is rich, has high paying job, non-orthrodox family, does not ask to cook or clean, does not have parents or sisters to order her..etc... Obviously she is not married. My In Laws oK'ed our marriage
Suddenly after marriage, My SIL seems to have problem with anything and everything I speak, even if it is as simple as " i am making tea for my self, would you like to have a cup also" - She finds this offending - Not only that she create a scene and opens her hair and sits in a corner of a room and starts crying.. does not eat or drink anything and threatens suicide

Then everybody in the house including my DH tries to convince her that they will tell me to behave.... I am at my wits end.. anyway I thought it was not for long because my husband stays in US and I won't be living with them any way.. I did talk about this to my husband and he chose to walk away from my question

The first time:
We had a quite life in US ..Fast forward 6 months from then .. My IL's including the SIL arrived in US. They seem to have problems with everything.. including the color of sofa to the pots and pans in the kitchen.. they kept on saying something or the other everyday.. I kept quite.. my DH would occasionally hear it and Walk away.. there was more distance between us now.. DH would not even look into my eye and speak. Sensing his discomfort .. I did not talk about it.
After IL's left.. My husband one day Packed his suitcase and said he wanted a divorce... He lived separately for 2 months. Our friends talked to us separately and then together.. First DH apologized for his behavior .. I told them my part of the problem including the behavior of IL's. He just listened and did not comment. DH returned and that's all.. it was abrupt.I was optimistic that he would take care of the problem himself and slowly it would be better


The second time :
Things were not as normal as before .. we were hiding our discomfort behind our jobs and friends.One day I heard my MIL telling my husband that I cannot have kids as my elder sister does not have kids even after 8 years of marriage. he saw that i heard it and we did not talk about it. after a few months I visited my IL"s house. They had planned to do some puja the very second day after I arrived, but I could not participate as I was having my period(My MIL did not ask me this - we were not talking since my husband left the first time). MY MIL created a big Scene in front of all the relative (only theirs.. my parents were not invited and I am glad about it).. She said I was a Bad Omen - and I was the reason her daughter was not getting suitable groom and that we sisters (me , my elder sister) doom any house that we go to ..and I cannot have kids. SIL added fuel to fire ..she apologized to my DS and said they(SIL and IL) have ruined his life by getting him married to me and he should divorce me ..It was too much for me .. I Cried ..!!.. My husband did not talk to me .. I survived this for 4 days and went to my parents house as per our plan. After that, As per my schedule I left for US. (My husband was to come later .. he had some office work in another city in india)

This time he came back and did not eat anything I cooked. he would only eat outside..Not sleep on same bed..He did not talk to me either. This went on
for 4-5 months. meanwhile back home, IL's and SIL went to my parents house and accused them of being "Sinner" - " Not having a Son" and that His son would divorce me.. My parents told me on the phone. I was angry again.. it took a few days for me to become calm down and I decided that I am going to speak to DH.. I talked to him one day..He walked out .. Did not come home for days... I got a call from his friend's house that he was sick.

I brought him home, I did take care of him .. after that things seem to become normal and we were Ok( not great!!) just the way we were before. Frankly speaking I was afraid to discuss anything..


The Third time:
Soon I found out I was pregnanat. I had a baby boy and my parents were with us for 3 months. DH behaved normal with them not too attached.

Then again .. My IL's and SIL came. the day they came and saw my son..FIL said DS is not DH's Child at all(you know .. what i mean!!).. I was inside the bathroom washing some clothes listening to their talk ..They were back tracking the dates/months when he left and also said that DS does not look like DH(my son looks like me!!...). I heard this .. I cannot express what i felt..DH did not have the courage to say " HE IS MY CHILD AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK"

It was Deja -Vu again, Their behavior did not change .. This time i spent most of the time with my Son.. I ignored everything else. It was like I had become a zombie. My Job, my son and Myself.. that was my world. I put my son in daycare. Needless to say.. how angry I was with DH.. I did not walk out of the house(Today i think I should have!!). My son was nearing 12 months and I wanted to do the mundan ..

I told DH and he said he will talk to his Parents.My Son was born with lot of hair on his head. and he would get cold often because of the head bath. One day DS said that they will do the mundan in the 3rd year or it would bring some "bad effect" if done before!! By then DS would have turned Hippie.. And they also said they did not like the name of my child ( I chose the name..DS agreed) and wanted to change it legally

This time I said .. ENOUGH.. I went to my parents house(my parents know every thing about us) and got DS mundan done in a temple.I invited everybody.. IL's and DH did not attend. I was so done.. I was fed up.. I Just knew I cannot live like this... I was ready for any consequence..

Again .. It happened.. My husband called Divorce .. Walked out.This time I told him we can go ahead and file a divorce. I agreed for mutual. He did not talk to me about it again . I don't know, but this time it did not matter. Somehow I was mentally prepared.I moved to a smaller house and continued my Job, My Son and Myself.. It just felt normal now. I stopped all contact with DH and Occasionally Our Common friends would tell me about him.. I told them specifically that I am not interested. I also avoided a few friends who were close to him, I don't know this time Our friends did not suggest we patch-up. A friend who is more closer to me said.. it is not worth trying..

Life was tough- I had a job, a 15 month old baby and was alone without family. My parents have somehow accepted that divorce was better for me. They suggested I move to India so that they can help me with DS. I was having the same idea.DS has to start School.After sometime I visted India, Found a job and returned to US for one last time to wind up everything. DS was in India with my parents. AND ..DH, rung the door bell one day. he was totally out of my Mind.. it was 18 months since I had seen him. For a moment, I did not recognize him..Then it all came back.

he said he wanted to talk and I should consider talking for the sake of the child ( I did not want to talk.. he left the child and me alone ..Still..)
This time I said.. I want to hear from you.. I am not making any conclusions or decisions.. First ..he apologized for his behavior .. Again.. and said he wanted to come back.i asked him why did he leave in the very first place..he kept quite. He says I should forget the past. I am ok with it..But In reality they bring it back all the time.. I want my DH to find a permanent solution to this problem..In whatever way I try to explain this to him he does not seem to understand my thoughts or is just trying to avoid this.

I have a strong feeling that its over.. No friends seem to be talking anymore about this and I am leaving for India in 4 weeks for good.I have set everything up for my future.

he is still not talking anything about his parents/SIL's behavior towards me.. ?? He never talks anything about them to anybody. What should I do??? Should I give him another chance ?? the strength that kept me going all these days .. Says "NO" .. But..I have to make a decision..Please help

 

Thanks Satchi and everybody, Kid is already in India and DH and I are both Indian citizens. We have not shared the same address for past 1 and half year. I don't think he has filed a divorce in India yet. Can he still put a kidnapping case against me?

Also, on the financial arrangements and written commitment. I was thinking the same thing.. but I am not sure if this will work. he might end up with an unhappy life and we will be forced to live with it.

I believe the ideal solution is that, he needs to be compelled to face the problem and solve it. (sounds bad ..but its needed) . I was thinking of putting forth a condition that he can return(or atleast talk about return) after he and his family gets his sister married - she is like 35+.. it is difficult now..but still doable. If he returns without it... we may be forced to live a life where we cannot vent out our anger..and his family's behavior will not change. And , also- I don't believe in asking him to leave his parents - First , it does not work in long term. and Second, its very uncomfortable telling somebody to do something, I won't do unto myself.(Please don't laugh.. I'll just hate myself if I say something like this)

I don't want to jump to a deal right away .. only to regret later (its happened so many times). I want this to conclude .. either way.. What do you think. Is it right? Should I put forth this condition after I make him talk about his behavior?