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Husband does not call

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by arty2010, Apr 26, 2011.

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  1. Apr 26, 2011 #1
    arty2010

    arty2010 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    I just need to know if this is normal. My husband does not call me after he leaves for office/tour. If he leaves home at 8 and comes back at 9,10 or 12 a.m. This has been the way all along the marriage. I would have told him that 100 times that pls call me. I dont want to sit and chat with him. This has been the way even during my tough times. Even during pregnancy and I was working full time, never ever he calls and asks if am fine and feeling well. Even after delivery and till date does he call and ask how I am or the baby is doing? Who has so much work that they cant remember their family for 14 hrs in a day? Still, I used to call him once during work time. Most times, he does not even pick up the call. If he picks up, he says he will call and he never does. Though my relationship has gone beyond the stage where I have stopped feeling loved I still cant fathom why one free phone call for one minute or less is so difficult to make? is he doing this on purpose? Does it make him feel "needed" when i call him? Once, one snowy night he came back home at 3:30 a.m(imagine no news from morning till next day). I know he was at work but did not know whether something has happened on the way. I called up his colleagues at home but could not get thru. When he reached home and I was furious for him not makeing a call he said whats there to worry? How insensitve? I felt stupid for even caring abt him. I felt am caring for a perosn who has not cared /does not care for me.

    Thanks,
    Arathy
     
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
    #1
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  2. Apr 26, 2011 #2
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Arty,

    It's really strage.But I just went though your other thread and looks like you have some issues in your marraige.
    Was he like this from beginning?Does he care for you,when you are in house?He doesn't even wanted to check on the kid?

    Other thing,irrespective of his state,just send him an message whenever you feel like.Not sure,may be eventually he will come to his senses.

    Coming to love,you need to start finding your own happiness in different form.Don't think too much about this guy.Find other way to keep you engaged.But whenever you feel like checking on him,just do it.
     
    Priya16, Apr 26, 2011
    Priya16, Apr 26, 2011
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  3. Apr 26, 2011 #3
    arty2010

    arty2010 Bronze IL'ite

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    I dont know why but from the beginning its been like this. He does not intiate any calls unless there is something to be done / urgent things. If i call and I speak he acts if there is nothign wrong but he will never initiate. Yes, I have other ways to keep me occupied and happy for my baby. Now, I feel am more comfortable alone rather than when he is around. I know its not healthy but I feel like that. I just keep doing my household chores and my part time work. Sometimes, it gets affected due to this problems but I try to keep myself sane. When I was working full time , I was interacting other people (I make and keep friends easily) but for the past 3 years I have been on my own/ with baby. I have tried to make him understand that my emotional dependency is more but since he always pushed me away I have become very independent. I dont feel the need to talk to him. I feel more comfortable pouring my feelins in public forum rather than with the person am supposed to be sharing with :(
     
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
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  4. Apr 26, 2011 #4
    kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Arty,

    I understand how hurt you feel for this kind of a situation. But the good thing is he is like this since the beginning (that's what I felt by reading your post), not that he has changed over time or so.

    This is a kind of people. I have seen this kind of person and seen how people at home get worried to no limit. Inspite of trying to make them understand the necessity of a call (at least for the times when he is late than usual), they do not seem to understand. Mostly, your H is too absorbed in his work and passionate about it and everything else goes out of his mind as soon as he steps in to his office.

    If he is not negligent about his duties towards the family in other sense, then you should not worry. Accept him the way he is. He will also feel comfortable. Otherwise, he will get all the more disturbed if you pester him for calling.

    You need to get yourself absorbed elsewhere. Think about his positive qualities and let this one thing go out of your mind, because you really can not do anything about it.

    Hope he will realise the point you try to make when you want him to call you (not for chatting, as you said) some day, may be in a hard way.

    Best wishes
     
    kAlyaniShAnti, Apr 26, 2011
    kAlyaniShAnti, Apr 26, 2011
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  5. Apr 26, 2011 #5
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Arty,

    Some people can balance work and family.And some people doesn't have capability or look thought the things.
    Some people realise,importance of family after they bunk a promotion.Until then they feel work is ther heighst priority.In whatever case,I would suggest,leave your kid with him in the week end and go for walk or beaty parloer.Whatever you like to do.That way ,it will increase the bond between them.Otherwise,he doesnt' even develop bond with your child too.
    Slowly start buiding up the house and other interstes which you wanted
     
    Priya16, Apr 26, 2011
    Priya16, Apr 26, 2011
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  6. Apr 26, 2011 #6
    arty2010

    arty2010 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am trying to keep myself involved. I dont think my expectation is too much but if he is not willing to do it(for whatever reasons) I dont ask about it now. I too dont call. I dont want to hear answering machine.
    Also, my theory now is if you give less you expect less. Not healthy, but i had enough. He is very vulnerable of keeping some image i guess and hence does not want to open up.
    He is getting btter with the baby...snail's pace but better...thats one thing i nag about since i dont want my baby to think her father does not love her.
     
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
    arty2010, Apr 26, 2011
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  7. Apr 26, 2011 #7
    queenking

    queenking New IL'ite

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    Not all the people are same. Not all show love and affection the same way. Some men are like that. pls understand your hubby and dont think he is bad. Just talk to him about this issue.
     
    queenking, Apr 26, 2011
    queenking, Apr 26, 2011
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  8. Apr 26, 2011 #8
    sitara1

    sitara1 Bronze IL'ite

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    arty, the more you give, the more you get... less expectations, less disappointments.

    Instead of giving up, try for alternative ways to make him understand. There is a saying 'you must be the change you wish to see'. Without expecting him to call, you do your part in high doses.. ie. call him 3-4 times a day. Some people don't accept change easily. He is sticking to how he is before marriage. You should get him used to speaking to you 3-4 times a day, even if it means you are the one who calls every time and have to hear the answering machine n number of times. There will come a day when you don't call and he having got used to speaking to you will wonder why you didn't call and will call you back. Patience is a virtue.

    When I was dating my DH, I had to always ask him to call me and sometimes he wouldn't pick up for whatever reason. I fought with him about this many times, (breaking quite a few cell phones in the process :hide:) but I never gave up calling and pestering him at work (cos unlike you I call him to chat)....... He has changed a lot since then. Yesterday I forgot my phone at home and was out all day. When he came from work in the evening, he was asking me to talk to him cos he was feeling weird because he didn't hear my voice all day.
     
    sitara1, Apr 26, 2011
    sitara1, Apr 26, 2011
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  9. Apr 27, 2011 #9
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Arty
    Let me give u another perspective. My DH doesnt call me either from work. 99% of times when I call he doesnt pick up. Not that he doesnt want to but he cannot. The nature of his job is such. If I need to reach him urgently then we have a code x no of calls back to back+ a text message ...only then he responds. I dont pick up all his calls either. Sometimes we only talk after we reach home. It doesnt bother me because I know his constraints and he knows mine.
    If not calling from work is the only issue I would say let it go....
    with a caveat...He needs to let u know when he will be delayed.Set up a time ...for me 9 pm is the limit. I need to know ..I dont care if he is talking to God Almighty he will come out and tell me he is stuck at work and will come home late. Choose a time that u both can agree upon
    and ask him to make that one call for ur sanity. BUT somehow I get the feeeling there is more to it than just not calling..if that is true then you would have to address the whole issue.
     
    justanothergirl, Apr 27, 2011
    justanothergirl, Apr 27, 2011
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  10. Apr 27, 2011 #10
    beerbal

    beerbal Silver IL'ite

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    hmmm !?? Why not just a text message 'call back. urgent.' or something like that? Why all those calls back to back?

    Damn it. Some of us are too accessible to our detriment. We have to learn. :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2011
    beerbal, Apr 27, 2011
    beerbal, Apr 27, 2011
    #10
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