Husband not giving enough time....

This issue is very close to home for me and someone I care about deeply
is going through exactly this . Its not easy to be where u are . But I do
hope for your sake that things get better.
If I were you I would take a two pronged approach.
1. Widen your horizons
2. Dont wait for him to change...God knows u have waited long enough. Make the change happen.
Let me explain
1. You are stay at home mom. Its hard raising two kids all by yourself and somewhere along the way u have forgotten urself .Honey u are a woman too..not just a mom or a wife.
Try to nuture that little girl in u. If there are hobbies or things that interested u once..say painting or cooking or teaching anything at all..try to take it up. Not as a chore but as a way to be creative. I know u are thinking..I barely have time ..but trust me ...Doing something u enjoy
just for urself even if it takes the last ounce of will power is what u need . I want u to be selfish for atleast an hour a day.Not for kids... not for spouse just for you. Do what u like even if its nothing but painting ur toenails..do it like u did when u were 8 or 18. Without feelings of guilt.Try to make friends.Set a specific time once a week or a fortnight when u will go out with ur friends. Let ur Dh take care of the kids. Dont ask him ..tell him. He needs to learn to be father..not just a provider. IF u are always going to be around him he wont learn.
2. Change the routine at home. The biggest problem I see in ur routine is there is no time when the kids and parents interact as a family. Change that .NOW...before its too late. Kids grow up very fast and before u know it they are out of the house. Nothing is sadder than a child who never knew his dad growing up. Set time each week day when u will all be together even if it is for 20 min to start with . Talk to him....since u are not asking for urself..hopefully it wont escalate into a fight. Tell him the babies miss him.Pick a time. It could be anything...breakfast, dinner ..a bed time story or playing a small game like scrabble in the night as a family . Key thing being all tv radio ipod ipad mobile turned off .Make him stick to the routine.
Weekend ....Try to plan an activity atleast one of the days. Say a hike or a long walk or teaching the kids soccer..anything at all . Dont give him a choice. Plan and let the kids do the marketing for u by pulling puppy faces When he is on his laptop. Just go and cuddle up next to him.Dont say a word. Just sit next to him and do ur painting or knitting or browsin. Over time he will come to expect that and will actually look forward to ur silent company.
I wish u all the best and I hope things work out for u.

 

He's dead-tired from the office. Do you greet him with a kiss at the door, or do you start nagging him?

if the kids are old enough they don't need to be babied and coddled the way you do.

He's the Man!

Men show emotion differently than women. With his family background he may have different understanding and expectations than you do. Seriously, you must be nagging him.

Why do I get the feeling you would complain if he took you out for dinner when the whole city is jam-packed and cannot find parking for hours?

He's your husband, not one of your girlfriends whom you can yak on for hours and hours about nothing.

Greet him with a kiss at the door, stop expecting him to be one of your girlfriends, stop nagging.

Who can blame him?

Let your man be a man. Stopping trying to jump down his throat with this girly , "lets talk about feelings" stuff (that's what Indus Ladies is for :rotfl)

 

Really ? The OP is not asking for coddling..please take time to read her post..she is talking about a dad refusing to spend time with kids .And yes just providing is not enough and neither is it normal..where u come from may be but not where a lot of us come from.

I think one of these days after yet another men do this women do this generalization I will just lose it . Each person is unique and yes people express their feelings differently but this is indifference. Not asking about kids/wifes health after they return from a docs office is NOT normal..

No dear..she is not asking for hours of yapping...all she is asking for is spending some time together as a couple and as a family with her little ones and thats what couples do .....IL and girl friends compensate for that family time ?
U must be kidding right?

 

HD,

I will not say i am sorry for the way things are at your home. i do not believe in making you feel that you are in a bad situation. Any situation that goes from good to bad in a family/relationship does not happen just because of one person. there could be many things instrumental.

I had to step in when you said that he does not have time for the children. well this is something you have to work on.

want to understand, if your husband had to struggle financially in his life. sometimes, when they had struggled for things, they believe that trying to get those things for the kids and their family their priority. so maybe you need to understand what is going on behind that facade of work and destressing in front of tv/laptop. from what you write he is working too hard. is it just the office hours or is it the distance too.

coming to your feeling want of time..there are two ways to tackle this situation. one making yourself busy, but again being presentable, taking up hobbies or any other voluntary work is going to be a temporary respite, you will not feel better until you get that little bit attention you are craving.

i agree with jag. ok he watches tv. do watch with him. or sit with a book along with him. sometimes, the silent presence becomes a habit, he will start expecting it too. you could pick up some crochet, knitting or needlework, if the movie bores you. Do not look out for exclusive us time, snatch small moments, a hug when you give his coffee mug . a hug when he leaves for office. if he is not the demonstrative type no matter, you go ahead. if he questions it, tell him you want to.

With growing up kids, these small moments becomes special with time.

now coming to the kids. Some men, do not know how to be involved. they may not have had good examples in their parents. when YOU WANT INVOLVEMENT YOU WORK ON IT. next time, you want to go to the hospital, ask him to accompany you, it does not harm to say that you are scared of taking them alone, even if you are not. next time there is a pta and he is not able to make, take permission from the school to meet on a weekend if possible. tell your husband the teacher were commenting that they have not seen the dad, and you and the kids would like him to come and meet her.

when the husband comes in late and goes out early you need to find a time for the kids to get involved. what about as soon as he gets up on the weekend. take a mug of coffee/milk and have a quiet time as a family. ask your kids to talk about what they did at school and outside the whole week. start with an hour on a weekend. have a cuddle as the family.

When my husband was coming in this way, a few years ago, i taught my kids to have father time exclusively. i would fix an alarm for them early mornings. they would get up and come into our bedroom, and hug him and sleep for sometime. infact this became such as special time, that all the juicy bits of their days were reserved for him. i used to act as if i was sleeping. they still cherish those moments.

they still talk about the special moments over phone. my husband is a absentee parent as he works abroad.

Do work on it hd, or the frustration will turn into anger/resentment hurting a sensitive relationship.:thumbsup

 

When I've asked for advice, I've found that the most helpful advice was when the person tried to play "devil's advocate", in other words, probed me to take responsibility for my situation, even reading between the lines of my issue.

I've also found this useful when trying to deal with issues in my life.

Hence, this is the type of approach I am trying to take when helping people who come to Indus Ladies. I always appreciate feedback on how helpful the advice can be, and how I can better help.

Let me address your concerns

I took the time to read her post. Is the dad outright refusing to spend time with the kids, or does he feel that they don't need to much attention? Some people need more attention and coddling than others, everyone is different. Who knows, the kids probably inherited the same traits as this seemingly indifferent hubby. If Hubbysdarling feels this is not normal, she needs to encourage a situation where the family can spend as much time as possible. But not whining, crying or complaining (I know many ladies who do this. I used to do this and be misearble as a result. And believe it or not, Indus Ladies was the stepping stone that helped me take responsibility for my actions in a given situation),

It depends on what the docs office visit is. Personally, I really don't care for someone to ask me how a routine doctor's office visit went. As for pregnancy, many men just stay out of it, and many women don't want men butting in. On the other hand if it was (God forbid), Cancer, then that is life threatening.

Alright, so maybe I read too deep and made generalizations based upon my experiences. I know women (like in get-togethers) who talk hours upon hours about some nonsense.

So Hubbysdarling wants to spend quality time. In other words, she wants to do something she is not able to do. Well, let her take baby steps in being optimistic. Let her talk to her husband when he is ready. If he doesn't feel like talking, leave it alone, revisit the issue another time, use a different approach.

What I am trying to express is, in order for her husband to cooperate with her, she should bend over to the way her husband like to do things, and slowly, make him bend towards her direction. Kind of like negotiation. Hope I am expressing this properly.

IL and g/f don't compensate for family time, but they are a place where one can talk endlessly about anything (like I'm doing right now :thumbsup). Many times, you can discuss certain things you don't want to mention to your family because a stranger can offer a fresh perspective.

 

ZZZZ U are quite off in ur assumptions about what being married means and what
raising a child entails. Life and experience will teach u ....all in good time I hope.
But to be an effective poster and really help these women out here... Take their posts for what they say.Be empathetic. Dont assume..dont judge . Do not assume the OP nags or cries just because a bunch of women u met do that.
Not one line in any of her posts said that.
Ask and learn why she couldnt change him for 8 years. Dont assume that she never tried.
.Ask without judgement or censure and see if u can come up with ways to help them.
Good luck!

 

WOW! so, only if a person has CANCER he/she deserves your concern is it??

what abt malaria/ dengue/hepatitis/aids or numerous such infections/ diseases which could be possibly life threatening as well??

and every doctor sure prescribes drugs to combat the illness but more than that there is something called TLC ( TENDER LOVING CARE) which helps recovery faster!

 

Cancer was just an example I could think of. There are many horrible diseases, which of course would cause great alarm. I agree, TLC helps too!

@justanothergirl: I appreciate your feedback, will read the posts for what they say and advise accordingly.

 

Seriously ??!!??!!
And what kind of men would these be who just want to "stay out" of their wives pregnancies? Oh I did my job, now you are on your own. So what if you are caring my child, throwing up all day, have swollen feet, are fatigued, battling with a host of physical changes, will go thru hours of gruelling labor, I am the kind of man who provides the sperm & then stays out of it !! How cool it is to be a Man ! Oh btw, if you have cancer & are dying, Ill make you some soup.

I dont know of a single woman who doesnt want their man to "butt in" as you put it during pregnancy. Seriously you got to think before you write such stuff. :drowning

 

i agree!

if i wanted only a sperm donor i would go to a sperm bank. why get married at all and put up with such an insensitive person all my life who thinks his work is only getting me pregnant.